Introduction
Compiled by Michael Harrison, age 12, because someone had to keep track.
“Look, I know this seems morbid. And it is. Deeply, profoundly morbid. But here’s the thing: we just survived a zombie apocalypse. An ACTUAL zombie apocalypse. And if there’s one thing I learned from every horror movie ever made, it’s that the survivors who make it are the ones who pay attention to what works.”
“Also, if we’re being honest, some of these kills were legitimately impressive. We should document them. For science.”
— Michael Harrison, personal journal
Rating System
Each kill is rated on three criteria:
- Style (1-10): How cinematically satisfying was it?
- Efficiency (1-10): Did it get the job done quickly?
- Humor (1-10): Did it make someone inappropriately laugh?
Hall of Fame Kills
The Fire Extinguisher Special
Killer: Michael Harrison
Location: Bungalow 47
Weapon: Fire extinguisher
Style: 8 | Efficiency: 9 | Humor: 7
Total: 24/30
“My first kill. I’m not proud of it. Okay, I’m a little proud of it. I mean, fire extinguishers are heavy and I’m twelve. The physics alone were impressive.”
Lisa’s Medical Precision
Killer: Lisa Harrison
Location: Main Laboratory
Weapon: Fruit knife (later upgraded)
Style: 9 | Efficiency: 10 | Humor: 3
Total: 22/30
“Mom’s first kill was terrifying. Not because of the zombie—because of Mom. She went full surgeon mode. Found the weak point, exploited it, moved on. I’ve never been more scared of being grounded in my life.”
The Kitchen Knife Redemption
Killer: Diego Rodriguez
Location: Bungalow 47
Weapon: Kitchen knife
Style: 6 | Efficiency: 8 | Humor: 0
Total: 14/30
“Diego killed his own sister. I’m not rating that for humor. But I’m including it because he deserves to be remembered. What he did was mercy. That takes more courage than all the other kills combined.”
Frank’s One-Man Army
Killer: Frank Harrison
Location: Throughout facility
Weapon: Assault rifle
Style: 10 | Efficiency: 10 | Humor: 5
Total: 25/30
“Great-Uncle Frank walked into that lab like an action hero from the 80s. I lost count of his kills after fifteen. The man was a machine. An old, slightly drunk machine who saved all our lives.”
Sarah’s Throat Hold
Killer: Sarah Harrison
Location: Emergency stairwell
Weapon: Knife
Style: 9 | Efficiency: 7 | Humor: 8
Total: 24/30
“My sister held a knife to a human guard’s throat while also looking like she was about to murder the zombies behind us with sheer willpower. I’ve never been more terrified of her. Or more proud.”
Dad’s Science Experiment
Killer: John Harrison
Location: Laboratory A
Weapon: Chemical compound
Style: 7 | Efficiency: 6 | Humor: 9
Total: 22/30
“Dad used his CDC knowledge to improvise a chemical weapon mid-fight. Points for creativity. Deductions for the smell.”
Honorable Mentions
- The Boat Hook Parry (John, Marina)
- The Lamp Sequel (Michael, Stairwell)
- The Chemical Splash (Michael, Lab)
- The Coordinated Family Strike (All Harrisons, Final Escape)
Lessons Learned
Based on careful analysis of every encounter, the following guidelines emerged:
- Always go for the head. Movie tropes are tropes for a reason.
- Improvised weapons work. Fire extinguishers, lamps, boat hooks—anything with mass can be lethal.
- Medical training helps. Knowing where to stab is more important than having a bigger knife.
- The family that fights zombies together… stays together. Coordination beats individual skill every time.
Final Notes
“I keep this compendium for a few reasons. Partly it’s tactical—knowing what worked before helps us prepare for what comes next. Partly it’s therapeutic—processing trauma through documentation, according to the psychologist we’ll probably need to see eventually.
But mostly, I keep it because these kills represent something. Each one is a moment where we chose to fight instead of die. Each one is proof that we’re stronger than what we faced.
The Architects think they created perfect weapons. They didn’t.
They created the thing that taught us how to fight back.”
— Michael Harrison, Chief Archivist, Harrison Family Zombie Response Team